Consumer Christmas By Janet Hindley

Christmas starting in September?!
There was a time that I remember
When December was early enough to see
Lights in Oxford Street; Trafalgar Square the tree
Am I growing grumpy? Is it me?   ****  
**** It seems to me, (I could be wrong)
The summer’s hardly been and gone
Before the shops drag out their sign
Telling us it’ll be soon be time
To post our cards to foreign climes.
Bah ! Humbug
 
The television’s just as bad
And makes me feel a little sad
To be told I know I really oughtta
Order now that brand new sofa
For festive visitors to sit and lofa. ****
****Supermarkets say it’s not too early
To sell us cakes with icing swirly
It’s enough to make you wheeze and cough
Cooking programmes? I’ve had enough
So they can go and just Bake-Off.
Bah ! Humbug
 
Posting signs for poor old Santa
To stop here, is the latest mantra
Competing neighbours lights outbid
Pushing demand on the National Grid
Enough’s enough ! It must be said ! ****
**** Getting gifts is just too trying
In the shops or on-line buying
Keep the receipt; just to be sure
In case it’s returned back through the door
Where you queued hours days before.
Bah ! Humbug
 
 
Check names to send cards from last year
Cross out the ones no longer here
Buy the stamp and write the card
It really shouldn’t be that hard
No sonnets - you are not the Bard ****
**** Boxes make it easier to wrap
Those awkward gifts so if you lack
The expertise to be a winner
And your wrapping resembles a dog’s dinner
Disguise with ribbons, tags and shimmer.
Bah ! Humbug
 
Homemade presents can be more unusual
And can save hours of perusal
But did Granny think her jumper chunky
(Albeit it quite unique and funky)
Needed sleeves to fit a monkey? ****
**** From the kitchen mother’s shouts
Alert us to impending sprouts
As saucepans jostle to form a queue
There really is too much to do
So many owed by all too few.
Bah! Humbug
 
Extra chairs for extra bums
In-laws, family, neighbours, chums
Dad and brothers disappear
To the pub for Christmas cheer
Just returning when all’s clear. ****
**** Mum’s specs are steaming in the kitchen
While guests are drinking and just sittin’
In the lounge their chatter louder
Children squealing getting hyper
 Running, squabbling; what a caper!
Bah ! Humbug
 
Dad’s now been called to carve the turkey
It’s tradition; not malarkey
Plates piled high with veg and stuffing
Chairs squeezed round with huffing and puffing
Crackers ready now for pulling. ****
**** Children prised away from toys
That flash and whizz for girls and boys
Makes them scream and sometimes cry
I really wonder why oh why
I can’t wait to say “Goodbye.”
Bah ! Humbug
 
In a flash the dinner’s gone
It’s time for pud with brandy on
Custard, cream or brandy sauce
Cholesterol nightmare which will force
Your heart to falter on its course. ****
**** And not to mention all the calories
You’re chewing on those poor old cavities
All washed down with loads of booze
You seem unable to now choose
But tightening waistbands should be clues.
Bah ! Humbug
 
It seems the kitchen is a TARDIS
Refilling plates, replenish! Replenish!
There seem no end to all this gluttony
The constant noise of clattering cutlery
Swamps the speech made by the Monarchy ****
**** At last the feasting now subsides
With plates pushed back with gasps and sighs
The cook is thanked for all her work
From washing-up they cannot shirk
From piles of grease out in the murk.
Bah ! Humbug
 
The tables cleared; chairs put away
Belts are loosened; I’d love to say
That I’d really enjoyed this but
Rather than lie or sit and tut
I’ll refrain; just keep my mouth shut.****
**** Remembering those missed around this table
Who I’d recall if I were able
Finally, I really do digest
The warmth and love of every guest
I realise I am truly blessed
Perhaps I AM  - BAH ! HUMBUG
So, CHEERS EVERYONE AND MERRY CHRISTMAS