‘And so, this country has voted to overturn the 1974 referendum and has voted to Leave the EU…’
‘What is the majority David?’
‘Oh, one-minute, I’m going to have to look at this piece of paper… 1 vote. 16,525,101 voted leave and let me see…16,525,100 voted to remain…’
‘…And 1 vote is the majority and as this referendum goes to the biggest vote. Every vote you remember counts, so Leave are the winner.’
Boris, privately to Gov : ‘We were only meant to blow the bloody doors off, not actually win.’
Boris looks sad and confused as he thinks of his friend Dave and how he opposed him to settle an old score over a girl at the Bullingdon Club to humiliate him by winning. What was that old score? He struggles to remember and can only remember a pig’s head. Christ, Dave might even resign tomorrow and that would give me a chance to go for PM. Not all bad then. Some bloody Remainer is going to say I had written an article supporting Remain and that I’m a liar for campaigning on both sides at different times. Oh well being a bit of a liar is OK nowadays. Look how I got away with the Big Lie on the bus… well it seems to have worked unless it was old Farage’s whopper on that immigrant poster. Or maybe mine about being flooded with 70 million Turks. Sorry Grandad about that one. I know we wouldn’t be in the UK if there were strict immigration controls in those days.
David’s assistant rushed in and proclaimed, ‘Will Straw just called. Remain want a recount.’
The recount was completed and showed Remain still losing by 1 vote. ‘It’s the will of the people to leave the EU!’ screamed the Daily Fail as their headline shouted more abuse at migrants from the EU. ‘But our fields will be strewn with unpicked fruit,’ moaned the Remainers.
‘It’s the will of one person who truly represents the British nation. We must find him – or her,’ proclaimed Jacob. ‘He – or she – is the saviour of our nation.’
‘It’s me,’ claimed Charlie Jones from Lincolnshire. ‘I couldn’t make up my mind, but I was in the polling booth and as I was putting my cross in the box my hand was moved by an invisible force to the Leave box and it’s as if Rule Britannia was playing in my ears.’
‘No no it’s me,’ said Tracy from Basildon, Essex. ‘I googled to find out what the EU was and then saw in the Sun they were undemocratic, so I thought well stuff them, this is democracy.’
With Remainer Teresa Mayhem in power she quickly switched to Leave and fended off all criticism with great catch phrases just like Bruce Forsyth on a good night at the London Palladium. ‘Brexit means Brexit’ she said, not sure of what Brexit meant. And breakfast means breakfast, but it could be French like a coffee and croissant or a full English?
Nigel proposed that Tracy from Basildon had the best claim to the casting vote and should be honoured with an OBE. The Queen replied by wearing a hat designed by the EU with stars on a blue background at the opening of Parliament. The Sun failed to report this apparent heresy.
‘A mandate for hard Brexit,. Peter Bonehead and Jacob said as they held the PM down in her office, threatening her with a red hot poker made in Sheffield. ‘Yes, yes Jacob, Peter. Hard Brexit, Hard Brexit. But we’ll go over the cliff,’ she wailed.
‘There is no cliff except our glorious White Cliffs which will keep Johnny Foreigner out,’ exclaimed Jacob. ‘If only King Harold had our luck, he would have kept out the French in 1066...’
‘What about the Irish border?’ whimpered Teresa.
‘The DUP will support us on that and even if we have a hard border that seals us off from the EU for good. Couldn’t be better. We don’t want migrants sneaking in with the Guinness do we?’
‘But how much will Brexit cost us?’ simpered the PM.
‘Don’t worry about that we won’t have to pay a membership fee anymore will we? And we shall make such a fortune out of avoiding this new tax law the EU want to bring in I could always chip in what I make on that,’ said Jacob, smiling his most engaging smile as if posing for a photograph in 1830.
Then came the bombshell. A couple found a discarded metal box on Bodmin Moor as they had been having a romantic tryst. ‘Oh, what’s that digging in my back?’ complained Lorna as she lay down on the rug she had had the foresight to bring with her. The box turned out to be a ballot box from Truro containing uncounted votes in the referendum. The box had probably been buried by a Leaver working at the counting of the votes.
When the extra votes were added they turned the tables and gave Remain a resounding victory of 99 votes more than Leave.
‘The best present we have ever had!’ exclaimed the newly ecstatic Remainers as they found their depression turning to joy. No one could understand why the Cornish had voted for Leave as they got all that EU cash. So, it’s a happy Christmas present for Cornwall.
‘And now we can spend the £40bn we don’t have to pay for the divorce on the NHS,’ said a surprised Chancellor.